Direct change was always the hardest thing for me. Now before I get into this let me explain my outlook on the word change. Change is the instant alteration of and object or a thing. For example, I changed the play dough from a ball shape to a pancake shape or I changed the way I feel about abortion, the bug was alive now it's dead.
With that said, I never could change things like how difficult it was to get out of bed, even if I knew the boss would be pissed that I was late for work again after a little “talk.” I never could change my views on love, fairness and justice. I never could grasp one thing about my life, squeeze it, shake it or quite frankly do anything to make it immediately conform to my desires, and that’s MY LIFE we’re talking about here. How could anyone think they could actually change anything around them, especially other people? No matter the desire or effort change doesn’t work for me.
Growth is another thing entirely however. Now I’m not talking about physical growth, aging or weight gain though what I’m talking about sounds quite similar. I’m talking about inner growth. So, understand, growth is what’s happening now. It happens while you’re sleeping, walking, sitting on the toilet and within every facet of your sane life. Growth is the result of the world taking it’s worst and best out on you. Now you understand that inner growth obviously can’t be measured by conventional means such as height, weight or with any direction at all. You’ll understand when I mention how we’ve all been down in the dumps and grown due to the experience. Your boss yells at you because you’re late or not producing well enough and fires you or maybe your significant other has said they are calling it quits. These are real shitty situations because of what you loose. Income and love are important. (Debatable as to the importance of one over another but that’s a debate for another time) You do the time and put in the work to deal with the hand you’re dealt and next time you’re going to set you alarm 15 minutes earlier and be a little bit more cautious with your heart. You’re saying – but this is change this is an alteration in my life, your life, your world and thoughts! No, no it’s not. This is growth. I’ll show you.
My tree example: Take a tree, obstruct it’s growth and the tree will grow around that obstruction but not only that the tree’s growth will make that obstruction part the tree. The tree was forever changed and altered by what happened to it (You coming along and fucking up it’s program) the tree continued to grow regardless of what happened. (Barring you doing something to kill it) The tree continued to grow in it’s altered state which though the tree was altered it remained a tree; it simply evolved into a tree with a bike or chain or something sticking out of it. You see we can't change the things that happen to us or what others have done. We can however take that occurrence and grow with it. What doesn’t kill you is going to leave a scar.
Evolution is what happens when growth changes something over a period of time. Distinct change in someone or something that becomes their make up, fabric or eyes through which they see the world is evolution. So like I said, I could never grab my whole life or even part of it, shake it and spin it into something else immediately or even over night. No I couldn’t mold me into a play dough perfect Mr. Potato head. I had to go through life, watching, learning, making mistakes and being the butt of others mistakes, taking those events and growing over time to allow evolution occur.
Jaded is a word I hear often. I’m not offended by the accusation though I am put off that the accuser thinks I’m so close-minded. Personally I see it to be completely opposite. I am open-minded. I understand that my actions would easily lead someone to earnestly think I’m close-minded and closed off to “rational” processes of thought; what with my openness to scoff at your notion of love, today’s society’s institution of marriage and how fickle the word compassion has become. Let me start by saying I used to be nothing like what I’ve become. Not one ounce could have imagined being anything like I am now way back in the day. I wasn’t aware time, growth and change lead to evolution and their ability to re-write my entire program, though that’s what happened. Lets get back to that box known as jaded. Jaded has a since of irrationality brought upon by emotion. I would have to be bitter to be jaded. Bitter I am not. I used to be so caught up in what had been done to me that it consumed me, made me bitter and yes I was quite jaded. Given enough time I moved on, thought about things, grew and evolved. What we have is the end result of two things the initial catalyst, then seeing the same scenarios play out with the same end multiple times. I’ve simply become and equal opportunist with and opinion based on experience. I can’t help that the results have been of negative nature over and over again nor can I help that I can’t alter the outcome. Imagine a scientist performing the same experiment over and over expecting to get different results. That’s insane. I simply accept the results, expect they will be reoccurring and move on. All of this is pertaining specifically to love and relationships. Please understand why I’m skeptical when you tell me “I’m not like all the other girls.” So far I’m 5 for 5. Last I checked there we’re too many boys in the big leagues batting a thousand.
This is where I loose most people. Well Josh, if you’re right all the time and you’re not willing to give anyone a chance to prove you wrong that makes you jaded and it makes me right. Wrong again. I welcome my theories and results to be proven wrong, blown out of the water even. I’ll happily find myself swimming in a whole sea of love and everything else I rebuke. The thing is, it’s a long road to walk between here and that big wonderful sea and it’s an even more difficult thing to find someone worth starting the journey with. I know you can empathize. So what I’m getting at is that even though your mom brushed your hair as a kid and said you were special I’m telling you you’re special to someone else other than me. That I am open to find that person but they are going to have way more impressive qualities than you do. Only then will I consider maybe taking that long walk. Now don’t take it personal. You’re probably fantastic, maybe you’re even reading this and we’re friends or maybe you’re reading this with hurt in your heart from the things I’ve written here. Let me say your mom is right you are special. You and I just aren’t the right fit. It’s like trying to the piece of the puzzle that goes on the bottom right corner to fit in the dead center, by the end of everything the corner piece is nothing like it was supposed to be and not one but four other pieces are forever altered as well. Enough with the metaphors, bottom line I’m open to love with the right person. I’m not jaded the word for the way I am, cynical.
Now lets get back to the main topic, evolution within a person. I wish all of you tremendous evolution. I do so because evolution supersedes desire, emotion, condition and even needs. Evolution takes from any one or all of those things and betters the person that you are. You evolve into someone stronger, happier and more capable. All these things I wish for you. I hope it doesn’t take long for whatever it is that’s troubling you to result into a new version of you, that your evolution is quick though I doubt it will be painless. I understand now how and why people work this way. I’ve been rolling it around in my head for about two weeks and I’m happy to take the time (mostly because I’m on my 6th day in a row at work and don’t feel like doing anything work related) to put this on paper. If you’re still reading, I appreciate your dedication. This drivel is really intended for my own self-service and offers minor insight into what’s bouncing around in my head. I suppose it’s published because in some way I feel like if someone else reads this and I’m way off base they will hold me accountable and I’ll have to re-evaluate my ideals there by furthering my evolution.
